i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
