We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
