so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
