i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
