hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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