just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
