You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
