I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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