walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sext me about skeletons
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
