What a fucking waste of an outfit
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
