I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
