I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
