Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
