I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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