Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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