Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So much rum. So many feels.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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