i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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