Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
