I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
