so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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