WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
