I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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