I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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