did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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