I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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