She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
