theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
