forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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