hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
