I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
