At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
