i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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