I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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