my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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