my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Houston, we have a blender
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
