my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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