You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
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... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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