Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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