I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
