I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
