I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
