When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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