In America we eat man semen.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
