Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
