I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
