dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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