I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.