There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
