i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
