No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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