What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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