i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
