he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
