i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
