it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just pee around me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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