When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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