Someone shit on the floor
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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